Weblog

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Wednesday, 09 September 2009

  • Haha.. well.. since everyone else is doing it.. why not? =]

    Umm Janice is coming back haha.. for a week.. and she'll be giving her testimonial this week.. =] haven't seen her for a while haha.. but yeah she doesn't know me.. only my parents.. XD.. but other than that.. we have someone from the YWAM (Youth With A Mission) coming as a speaker on saturday night!.. AWESOME! He sings =]

    PS.. I'll be going to Saturday's Cell Group this week.. to.. testing XD

    Anyways.. yeah.. Come one come all haha
    Date: 12 Sept
    Venue: Kyrugma House   Time: 7:30pm 

Monday, 07 September 2009

  • What you've Missed

    Monday, September 7, 2009

    Future

    First of all.. see this thing on facebook that is surprisingly always correct for me XD.. whenever i'm in some kind of mood.. this thing always gives me the thing i need to hear =] so this time i logged on and it gave me

    On this day of your life, Gareleos, we believe God wants you to know...
    ... that humans learn only by trial and error, and that includes you.

    You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.

    So.. i think... that maybe its right.. and this is what i should do.. haha.. but yeah its hard to just suddenly change like that.. but i'd be lying if i said i haven't changed.. I've changed some what from my negative self to a more positive one.. BUT not enough.. I still think negative before positive.. but just instead i realise it and change myself after i realise.. XD... so yeah... I'm TIRED of living a sad life..I'm tired of being negative all the time.. I AM trying to change.. Don't say i'm not..

    ANYWAYS... i'm so happy for english today.. I finished my essay.. its a love story.. i love it so much.. i wish i could write more and publish it as a novel XD.. its just so sad XD i wrote it with all sorts of emotions.. hopefully it got imprinted into the paper as i wrote..

    Just got back from Calvin's Blog.. haha.. Calvin update more on ur blog when ur away XD so we know what you're up to haha.. Anyways yeah i kind of get what he wrote when he said " just trust in god, He will provide".. because these past few weeks.. He really has provided.. All because i just trusted in him XD.. dunno la maybe i'm exaggerating a bit.. or maybe its pure coincidences.. but... I BELIEVE.. that he provided =]... Despite my negative attitude He still cares.. =] even though sometimes i have doubts of his existence.. he still loves me.. so that alone should make my doubts disappear right?.. well.. its still there =\ its just that.. sometimes He doesnt seem to give much response to what i say or ask.. so its somtimes hard to believe He's actually there... I have to find some way to make that doubt go away... Coz i know it'll come haunt me in the future one day XD

    So yeah.. I have no idea what i'm gonna do for my future.. To take STPM or not? Stay for FORM 6 or not? Cause.. this may sound really stupid.. but.. my plan before was after SPM.. i would

    FIRST get my drivers license..
    THEN get physically FIT XD ..
    GO for Cell Group.. =]... then..

    Do more things for God.. like maybe join worship team? =].. or something lah.. i wanna do something for God with the gifts he has given me.. EVEN though.. i do not know yet what they are XD... cause he's done alot for me.. even though i didn't realise it.. and maybe still not realizing it.. BUT.. now i dunno haha.. cause.. STPM is like hard.. and i gotta study alot for it.. and i'm not exactly that kind of person.. And if i don't do good for STPM my SPM results won't be valid anymore.. and i won't have a future XD... so yeah.. i need someones advice on this haha..

    USE MY CHATBOX EH!! haha... its like so ... quiet...

    Yeah.. well.. One thing is for sure.. and thats.. I'M NOT LEAVING KK!.. no way.. i'm going to stay local.. no matter what XD.. that is a decision that i am sure i will take.. =] For me to do more in ministry i must first fix myself.. only then.. can i fix others XD.. so i will do all i can to fix myself and become a normal person XD.. instead of a troubled teen haha... Anyways thanks for Oscar/Calvin for like.. changing me from my Mass Negativity to.. Average Negativity XD... it helps.. it really does.. so thank you for that.. =].. Anyways yeah.. IF ANYONE SEES ME NEGATIVE.. SMACK ME XD.

    I dunno what to say already XD.. or should i say.. write.. XD.. so... i guess my next update should be on Saturday night after Eklektos.. No one seems to read my blog on weekdays anyways XD


    Posted by Gareleos Gasin at 6:29 PM  

    Sunday, September 6, 2009

    Stupidity XD

    HAHAHA! how stupid of me.. if you read the post about last nights youth.. forget the negative parts XD... dunno why.. but yeah negativity attacked.. but yeah i realise that now.. and its stupid.. i don't feel like writing another post on it though XD.. cause.. its pretty much what i remembered.. so haha.. the same except ignore the negative negative things... XD

    Well i just came back from church and the speaker was Bishop Thomas Tsen XD.. the guy who used to live above me... XD... and now he forgot me ==... maybe i look different XD.. or something haha.. anyways yeah... People in the church society like all the pastors and important people who know my parents.. DON'T know me.. XD... its so funny.. and sometimes they DO know.. and then it takes me completely off guard.. like.. "hey you're who who whose son!" and i'm like "yeah... who are you?" XD... so many students and so many pastors that know of me.. but i do not know of them XD its kinda creepy... but anyways yeah.. the thing that struck me most in his sermon was:

    1. Nobody is useless and they all have a purpose (except me)
    2. They should use their gifts given by God to glorify him (what if i got no gifts ==)
    3. No church is perfect because we are in it.. If you say "oh thats a good church" and you go.. it becomes a not so good church because you bring you're problems from your old church to the new one.. (like me..)

    well anyways... haha there negativity attacked again ><... i need to realise things more.. so that i won't get fooled into thinking stupid thoughts.. but what if its true? well.. if it is true.. i'll find out sooner or later.. so i don't need to worry about it.. =] thats what i should keep telling myself.. IF anyone sees me negative at church smack me please.. slap some sense into me XD

    Posted by Gareleos Gasin at 10:30 AM  

    Saturday, September 5, 2009

    Eklektos 5th September 2009

    hmm.. i dunno why.. but i feel.. down... after tonight =\ well... i dunno maybe i'll figure out why after i write everything down..

    Lets see.. came to Kyrugma House at around... 7:24pm.. Pretty normal.. got said "hi" to.. then hmm.. sat down in the circle somewhere at the far end haha.. moment i came in frank was like "hey!" then points at a spot and Oscar also goes "hey!" and points at a spot.. so i was like.. errr.... i'll just go there.. and then *goes to sit at the end* ... yeah sat down... prayed for my "family" where i'm not so sure i'm a part of..

    Finished that up.. then in the particular order.. Frank sat on me.. O.o... then Calvin asked me to go sit in front.. so i naturally did coz i'd do anything someone asked me to.. if necessary.. then Calvin and Oscar like bombarded me with "play ur song" or "go PLAY!" and threatened to announce it later on.. but yeah i was like "NO.. No... NO.." and they were like "why? WHY? why?" and in the end.. i didn't do it.. Besides it wouldn't have sound good without peddle.. Excuses excuses.. i know.. Oh yeah.. Calvin's leaving in two weaks.. =[... sad.. at least he'll be back next year =].. hopefully i'll be around... i don't plan on leaving Kota Kinabalu anyways..

    So after that i guess the worship started.. Oscar Lead..( there i put it in XD )... and Cal was on Keyboard.. with Frank on guitar/bass and Err i dunno the other names .. I know Apple was singing.. and i can't remember the Drummer's Name.. oh yeah and Daniel was on guitar/bass too.. at least i think thats his name..yeah well.. that was enjoyable..

    Then.. i guess the sermon time came.. the topic was "Victorious With God".. where we must stray away from temptations that are dished out by the Satan and Draw closer to God.. Yeah i guess this is where my stupid thoughts came in.. I don't think i'm strong enough to.. beat the devil.. i don't think i have what it takes.. for me.. to.... draw closer to God.. Because HONESTLY.. sometimes i doubt HE exists.. because.. well.. i've never seen anything happen.. at all.. with my own eyes.. i only hear stories.. and stories can be exaggerated.. in my entire christian life.. i've never seen anything miraculous happen.. I can't truly commit myself to someone i've never seen or heard myself.. This is one of the reasons i think i don't really belong there.. because.. they all truly believe without a doubt that God exists... They all are ready to fully commit themselves to God without the evidence or proof.. They've experienced God first hand.. And me? A son of TWO pastors.. who has doubts if God exists... The more i think about it.. the more i think that "who the heck am i trying to fool?" I can't be victorious with god.. coz.. i'm too weak right now.. I don't know where to find the support from.. that thing or person i can lean on.. my foothold on the side of that cliff.. But so far.. thats the place i feel most.. welcome to.. at least i hope i'm welcomed..

    I guess.. thats why i'm feeling down... maybe theres more to it.. that i can't share on this blog.. coz it might be a bit too personal for me.. yeah..

    Umm we were split into cell groups.. and as usual i had no where to go.. so i just stayed put.. and ended up in Calvin's cell group.. it was... the same as the other cell groups i've joined (joined as in sat in) i guess.. discussion and then prayer.. i was planning to actually go to cell group.. but.. don't think i'd fit in..

    They also said something about.. temptations.. like facebook and msn.. well.. if i threw those two away.. i'd be in a worse spot.. coz at least through those i could actually talk to people.. coz normally i don't go out.. and at school i don't talk much coz i never have the time or things keep getting in the way.. msn and facebook are like my.. output.. its something i can use to talk to people even though i don't see them.. if not.. then.. i'd probably be a robot.. or even more miserable in life.. i know that they're bad if you stay on em for like HOURS but yeah i only go on every once in a while like maybe 4 hours once? and msn i only go on when someone talks to me.. or when i'm trying to pass the time.. so yeah.. i'm in control.. geez.. i hate it when people think that "oh hes a freak he stays in front of the computer for hours".. i don't.. i only LEAVE it there.. then actually SIT DOWN every once in a while.. It makes me so annoyed that people just JUDGE people like that.. yeah so i wear glasses? and i'm physically weak.. Does that make me automatically good with studies? just because i LOOK bookish.. doesn't mean i AM!.. People just ASSUME ASSUME ASSUME!! But its probably true though.. that i'm probably just being so bothersome to everyone.. and annoying.. Shouldn't of existed.. then at least i can't be a burden to everyone..

    so anyways..after that, was the response song.. and after that i left..
    End of story.

    "Do i truly belong?"
    "Its not like i have anywhere else that might take me in.."

    Posted by Gareleos Gasin at 9:50 PM  

    Waiting For A Sign..

    ... to go at 4pm or 7pm?.. now that is the question..

    Posted by Gareleos Gasin at 10:05 AM  

    Friday, September 4, 2009

    Wishes

    Wishing i had someone i could just dump everything on.. so someone knows and understands.. I know.. u're gonna probably say .. you can always talk to God!... but.. i need someone more...'responsive' right now.. coz well.. its not like he talks back much does he?

Saturday, 29 August 2009

  • Sunny Night

    haha.. anyways yeah.. last night was SUNNY's Birthday.. so... like i usually do.. i'll start out from the very beginning =]

    Umm.. i woke up.. went online XD.. then i saw.. someone thats not usually online XD... FRANK! so i chatted with him i guess... then he went to pack for tomorrow's retreat.. which is today XD.. anyways yeah we chatted about stuff .. unimportant stuff haha just goofing off i guess.. Then sunny msn-ed me saying " can you wear something semi-formal?" and i was like "omg i don't have anything formal.." so then i went to dig into my closet for something presentable XD.. and yeah i found something i guess.. dunno if it counted as semi formal or not but yeah.. XD.. THEN I SLAMMED my foot against the sofa.. XD.. by accident.. you see this is when... you think... " if that didn't happen my day would be so much easier.." it hurt whenever i walked XD... AND I HAD TUITION ON THE TOP FLOOR with no elevator.. so yeah.. NO PAIN NO GAIN RIGHT?! haha.. anyways.. nothing much happenned until tuition time.. Tuition right.. i realised i haven't used my voice in like 3 days.. O.O and then the moment i tried to ask a questions my voice was like "what the heck was that?!" XD.. it was so funny... not really but XD..

    So yeah after tuition i went to coffee bean. coz .. i didn't know where Upperstar was XD.. he just told me that it was behind coffee bean so yeah.. i came earlier to find out where it was.. turns out.. i found it right away XD so i had nothing to do.. sms-ed some people XD.. and then yeah.. Sunny came.. Then everyone else came XD umm there was Sunny, Jeremiah, Trudy, Olivia, Belinda, Elreena, Wendy, Andy, Julian and me.. XD We ate.. and then took some pics.. then we went to play pool XD.. i've never played pool before.. so it was.. interesting XD.. i got 3 balls into the holes XD haha i feel so happy =]..... == so sakai XD Miah was like so pro.. haha i'm sure hes played alot before.. so yeah we took pictures there too.. and then went back to Upperstar to eat cake XD

    We sang the b'day song.. HAHA the candles wouldn't light up coz we were right under the airconditioning thingy.. so it was hilarious.. its like light one up the other one extinguishes XD.. theres a video of our attempts somewhere but i don't have it haha i'll upload if i get it though.. So yeah.. Sunny ordered alcoholic drink XD... tried to get me to drink it.. == but i don't drink.. at all.. so no point in trying =]... I hate the smell of alcohol itself.. or beer or wine.. dunno why its disgusting to me.. let alone put it near my mouth? no way... XD so yeah we wanted to go back to play pool again after that but.. it was all full so we went down to coffee bean to just wait till 11 when our cars came..

    Like after a while.. Oscar, Apple and Jamie came XD.. they came over to wish sunny happy b'day haha.. yeah... then oscar told me stuff.. and then lots of people suddenly bombarded me with compliments on the song i made.. And i was like so stressed out XD.. he was like "dude people are complimenting you why are you so stressed out?" haha i just said "i'm not used to it bah.." and now i've got alot to think about XD.. AND NO.. i don't play as good as Calvin ==... thats a definite no.. XD... no doubt about it haha.. anyways yeah they left to play pool.. but then came back down afterwards coz yeah like i said it was full XD..

    Then Julian's car came.. and i was following his car back.. so yeah ... got home around 11:08 then i wanted to write this but.. my computer was off.. so i didn't bother turning it back on.. XD.. and i know i'm missing some details here... but yeah thats the best i can remember it.. overall it was a fun night.. =] TY to sunny for inviting me.. TY to miah and sunny for teaching me how to play pool XD..TY everyone else for the fun night XD I'm not going to bother coloring this XD like i do on other posts coz.. i don't feel like it haha.. you read then you read.. no need colors to attract ur attention.. at least for this post haha

    So yeah everyones at the retreat.. so no eklektos tonight.. awww.. XD... i think i'll probably study then XD... nothing else worth doing anyways =]

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

  • Holidays

    Hmm i think i'll start double posting XD.. one on blogspot and one here.. so yeah.. both xanga and blogspot users can see =] so heres todays post..

    Haha.. holidays are really boring.. no one to talk to.. no one that you anticipate on talking to or meeting.. just at home.. doing nothing.. bleh.. regret not trying to go to the church retreat.. ==.. but haha maybe the times not here yet.. slowly bah.. slowly XD..

    Its so boring.. nobody is on msn or facebook haha.. trying to study.. but reeally can't focus.. :/ not good i know.. but i will study.. just not now haha.. doing some personal writing later.. if i can remember things and in the mood to write things haha..

    I know usually my posts are really long and yeah but thats only when something cool happens.. but not everyday something happens in life.. so this is going to be a really short post.. i'm trying to drag it out as long as possible.. so you guys don't waste ur time coming here just read short tiny little posts XD..

    Well other than boredom really boring la.. haha stupid negative thoughts have been attacking frequently though.. so i'm guessing i'm at a turning point.. either i can change to become who i really am instead of wearing this fake mask.. or i can continue on in my emotional wreck.. I like don't know which Gareleos to be in front of people anymre.. Am i sad? depressed? happy? enthusiastic? i don't know.. thats why its so confusing.. All my emotions seem to be acting out all at once.. so when i'm out with people.. i honestly don't know how to react.. so i end up just staring or nodding.. and thats what i don't want.. coz in my mind.. i know what to say.. just that.. my mouth won't move.. this is SO FRUSTRATIN!.. argh..

    Anyways yeah.. trying to maintain maximum happiness.. but it ain't going so well.. i need to do something with other people to get my mind off things.. for some reason if i hang out with other people all my problems dissapear.. and i can just really ENJOY life.. But the moment i get home.. WOOSH all the negativity comes back.. so thats the problem.. i don't know if i'm negative or positive... its so.. confusing...

    I'm trying to restore myself i truly am.. and people are just saying "try harder" but do you really know what its like to be in my shoes? Do you honestly know what i'm going throught or what state of mind i am currently in? If you really think you do.. feel free to tell me.. please? i'd be more than happy to listen to how you dealt with it.. :)

    so yeah.. i mentioned before i'm gonna write an article on myself.. One thing is so that i myself can learn more about myself.. and for other people to read if they want.. My entire life on a piece of paper. XD i won't be putting on blog.. a bit too personal.. you want to read.. then ask me for the paper :) It's not done yet though.. The problem i am facing is that.. i don't know my origin... my true self? i dunno.. i can't figure out when this all happenned..and why... and how.. the more i dig. the more negative i get.. so maybe its like forbidden memory in my mind XD automatic defense or something.. haha

    So this is a long post after all XD.. hope you guys actually read this though.. i know alot of people come here to read.. but i dunno if they actually read the whole posts.. coz nobody ever comments in the chatboard.. == its like empty all the time.. haha you don't need to feel obligated to write in it now though ahaha.. i'm sure if you have something to say you'd say it :)

    So.. i'm almost done with my piano composition :P.. i can play it on piano but not on keyboard.. coz well.. i need pedals XD so it'll sound nice.. how its intended :P.. its a song that kinda reflects my emotions.. coz.. whenever i'm confused.. i just go to the piano and play randomly.. and it sounded good XD.. so i tried to remember how i played it.. and put some other stuff in it too.. like everytime i play the piano i play something different.. now i'm attaching it all into one song.. and i need help :) i need someone to tell me how to write it down on notes and paper.. coz i don't know how.. what time signature.. what count? i don't know haha.. i just play only..

    Oh yeah ahah.. i am on SKYPE.. add me if you want.. :P my email on skype is ggseries@gmail.com.. just search that.. and you should find me haha.. its fun to use.. was on a video call with miah last night and that was funny and fun.. we played chinese checkers.. he won XD... yalah i know i'm not smart bah ...

    I don't know why i'm not worried at all about trials.. i don't really care actually haha.. but i'm still gonna study.. haha just i don't know why i'm not stressed about it as other people are.. i still go on facebook all the time and on msn... though nobody talks to me... coz i bet i'm really boring to talk to... since i don't know what to say all the time and just end up doing an awkward silence.. sigh.. i need help XD

    I WANNA CRY OH!... haha.. this week no eklektos celebration.. i can't get that feeling of.. comfort XD.. or that warm fuzzy feeling whenever i'm in there haha.. wierd right? like my stress relief is that place haha.. i just feel as if all my problems are gone.. and theres nothing but comfort all around me.. okay i'm starting to talk wierd aren't i XD.. another problem i'll have to add to that giant list of problems i have.. ><

Sunday, 16 August 2009

  • 93%

    The Devil & the Duck (I'M IN THE 93%)

    There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm.

    He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods.

    He practiced in the woods; but he could never hit the target.

    Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.

    As he was walking back he saw Grandma's pet duck.



    Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved!

    In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile; only to see his Sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.


    After lunch the next day Grandma said, 'Sally, let's wash the dishes'

    But Sally said, 'Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen.'

    Then she whispered to him, "Remember the duck?'

    So Johnny did the dishes.

    Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, 'I'm sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.'

    Sally just smiled and said, 'well that's all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help?

    She whispered again, 'Remember the duck?' So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

    After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally's; he finally couldn't stand it any longer..

    He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck.

    Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, 'Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.'


    Thought for the day and every day thereafter:

    Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... And the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is....You need to know that:
    God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing.


    He has seen your whole life... He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven. He's just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.

    The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness; He not only forgives you, but He forgets.



    It is by God's grace and mercy that we are saved...

    Go ahead and make the difference in someone's life today.

    Share this with a friend and always remember:

    God is at the window!


    When Jesus died on the cross; he was thinking of you!


    If you are one of the 93 % who will stand up for him

    Forward this with the title, 'I'm in the 93%'

    Would you believe 7% of people won't forward this?

Friday, 14 August 2009

  • Death

    I wanna die.. so that all this is taken away.. so that i can be happy forever.. i hate this life.. if i could restart it then i would.. i'm killing myself slowly... with all these things happening.. i can't take it anymore.. my mind is going to snap.. my will shattered.. my heart broken... my determination destroyed..

    Before,.. i was happy when i got home to my perfect little abode.. and i hated school coz it was tiring..
    before,.. i was content with my status and with my friends..
    before,.. ihad a goal in life..

    Now..
     i've lost all that.. i can't see a goal to walk towards.. theres no point in life anymore.. i'm as low as i can go.. i just keep wishing that i could just stay in school and never come home.. or stay at youth and just keep myself in eternal praise.. but no.. reality isn't that simple.. there was something created such as Dissapointment.. Sadness.. Pain... because.. if there was no pain there was no pleasure.. no sadness no happiness.. no dissapointment no feeling of self achievement.. its a balance.. Unfortunately.. i have no balance..

    I used to be balanced but now i lost sight of what it was already.. i come home to a sad picture.. broken door with broken windows.. dirty floor and dusty corners.. (not literally, just a metaphor) i hate coming home.. thats where i feel the least secure.. the only place in my so called " home " that actually feels safe and comfortable is my room.. when its locked.. with me in it.. Peace and tranquility..

    No shouting, No yelling, No pain, No sadness, No irratation, No misunderstandings, No THEM..

    Everything i've ever done has been screwed up.. every happy moment of my life has long left me.. All thats in me now is Sorrow, Pain, Irratation, etc.. Every time i see a smile or a happy face i try to keep that face on them.. to never let them feel.. THIS...

    I'm someone who needs saving..

    " Wandering"© - Gareleos Gasin

    I'm wandering now in eternal darkness,
    Never again to find that light,
    Eternally sentenced to pure sadness,
    Because thats the way it should be,

    Music no longer speaks to me,
    As it should accordingly,
    But gone are the emotions that hide within them,
    Because gone are the emotions that layed within me

    Life can now throw anything at me,
    Sad, Happy, no matter what it may be,
    Because i will take it as if nothing had passed,
    Because thats the only way that i will be able to last.

Thursday, 13 August 2009

  • 96 Days

    ...
    ...
    ...
    well...
    today was still equally as depressing.. coz i saw THEM again.. but yeah.. i was cheered up by the sales today haha we had quite a lot of fun.. but after that.. sigh.. i just got so irritated by so many people.. including a teacher.. likes to kacau me and like bully me.. i know just play play only but... sigh.. in my mind its like " yalah yalah.. hit me la.. i deserve it.. " or " you wan't me to help you pass around stuff but you still treat my like this..." so yeah... got iritated.. also by something Andy said to me.. it was also just for fun but it for some reason struck a nerve..

    After school... well.. i got cheered up by sunny i guess.. from maybe 100% depression to 85% ... he said something that i can't remember right now that made alot of sense in what i was feeling and what my mind was thinking.. but me being so lame... i can't remember what he said... sigh...

    During early perhimpunan/ assembly... it was wierd.. kkinda creepy too haha.. well while the whole quizzes and everything this really strange smell came.. i don't think i've remembered smelling anything like it before.. and there was this wierd feeling in me.. i dunno why.. then i said to eric
    " i think theres something here... "
    and normal people would be like "what?" or "who?" or "huh?"
    BUT his reaction was serious and he just looked at me and said
    " I know.. "
    The strange thing is when i asked jul if he smelled it.. he didn't answer me.. and he didn't seem disturbed... but me and eric were like .. on the edge for the duration of the assembly..

    Maybe i'm being paranoid.. but if what sunny said just now was true.. then it kinda made sense.. haha.. and i really wanna hear Frank's story.. someone tell me eh?...

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

  • Invisiblity

    (only read if you want.. its just me complaining about life again.. emo moment... i don't think anyone would read it anyways.. at least not the whole way through.. who'd be bothered about me anyways right?) PS. Theres a summary of what i just wrote at teh end.. if you want the short undetailed version..

    Y'know.. sometimes i just wish i would of just stayed where i was.. and not try to be something i wasn't no matter how good the thought seemed.. because.. if i had just stayed quiet in form 1.. nothing like this would be happening and i would be the old quiet unnoticeable me with no problems..

    If i had just kept to myself on that first day.. i could be living in my own happy little world instead of having all these problems.. i should of just stuck to my nature.. but no..

    Life was still okay till up to form 3.. then in form 4.. i just had.. to start talking... there goes my perfect little world.. yeah fun.. then haha i thought i had something but it turned out to be fake and depressing.. and so.. good bye form 4.. then form 5... i tried again to be something i wasn't and this time even more drastic... and that caused alot of unwanted attention.. not that some of the attention was actually quite nice XD.. but the negative ones overcame the positive ones.. and there went my mind..

    Now.. what has happenned is ireversable.. i think about THEM and it pains me.. if i see THEM my entire mood just flushes away.. if i see SIGNS of THEM i get depressed... don't jump into unecessary conclusions for the way i write.. coz.. words can't explain my emotions right now.. i'm just writing as my mind thinks it.. but leaving out names and actual situations and my REAL emotions.. coz if you guys read that... it would be too personal.. to share here.. not like anyone is probably reading this anyways..

    The only thing on my mind the loudest right now is..

    "why'd i have to go try being something i wasn't.."

    "why'd i think i had a chance.. "

    "why'd i think i deserved them.."

    "why'd my life get so much more complicated..."

    "why THEY are like that.."

    "why did i spill my emotions and thoughts to people i barely knew but thought i could tell just because they were christains.."

    its not that i don't trust them.. its just that.. i just gave up my personal thoughts to someone i barely knew.. and now.. they know what i'm thinking.. and i have no secrets from them.. and they try to help i can see that.. but it doesn't help.. especially because they are a part of THEM.. the THEM that makes me depressed all the time.. not all just a few.. but yeah..

    I open out to them.. but what do i get in return?
    1. Guilt
    - for making my problems theirs even though we barely know each other..

    2. Thoughts
    - i think of what they think about me after i tell them my problems.. and it just leaves an impression in their head that i'm probably emotionally problematic.. and that i need to see a psychiatrist..

    3. Awkwardness
    - dude.. i tell you all my things when i hardly know you and how do you expect me to say things to you after that? its like sooo embarassing...

    4. Depression
    - because after i open up.. it has no effect.. you even seem to distance yourself from me.. or to not want to have anything to do with me.. or ignore me when you see me.. i thought it would bring some closure.. from aquaintances.. to friends.. but boy was i DEAD WRONG..

    ANOTHER thing is..
    I enjoy this new me.. sometimes.. because not all of it is bad.. there are some friends who are still TRUE.. not like some.. some friends who CARE.. and not like others... some people where i can REALLY OPEN UP to.. because they'll give me advice instead of totally ignoring the fact that i had problems..

    To summarise it all.. my mind is chaotic and i'm extremely confused.. i can't think straight and i think if this keeps up.. i'm gonna lose it to all this drama.. i want to tell someone EVERYTHING but then i just don't know who i can tell anymore.. so yeah.. don't feel offended if i said anything wrong.. its my fault anyways.. it always is...

Thursday, 16 July 2009

ggseries

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    • Name: Gareleos
    • Birthday: 6/4/1992
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 6/16/2008

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  • Pretty quiet kinda guy haha.. well i'm the sort of people who you gotta know to.. know.. and can't really be written down in words :) i'm indescribable XD

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